I am ready to RPG

I am ready to RPG

Yeah, this space has been fallow for nearly five years so I’m going to start using it to chronicle my D&D game.

Earlier in 2016 at a Hepatitis-C-style watering hole where my friends and I gather from time to time, some asshole who is also me suggested that we start playing Dungeons & Dragons. This group of friends had already established a short history with tabletop and card gaming, having over the previous year gathered at regular intervals to dick around with various CCGs, LCGs and board games. It quickly became clear who among us were more serious about gaming, so it was no surprise to me when only three others vigorously acceded to the call to play D&D while the rest gave a polite, disinterested smile before returning to their beers and conversations about anything else.

The four of us splintered off from the rest of the group to outline a basic plan for moving forward. Two among us, including myself, had never played before, one was currently playing in a monthly 1st Edition AD&D game, and the fourth was a huge D&D dork during his adolescent and teen years but hadn’t played for decades. Nobody really knew what to expect but all of us were eager to get started.

As we bandied about ideas for the types of campaigns to play, where we would play and how often, I could feel the big question begin to silently brew; the very question I’m sure eventually bubbles up like a regretful chili fart whenever any group begins to plan out a regular D&D game – Who will DM? Before anyone could ask, allowing the stink of the question to tarnish our excitement, I volunteered for the post. It just seemed right. I’d never played before, so it wasn’t as if I’d be missing out on anything by DMing. Furthermore, I actually really wanted to DM. I’ve always wanted to DM. Ever since my friend Leon introduced me to the game when I was 12; ever since my mother forbade me to play it because it was Satanic and it would doom my soul to eternal hellfire; ever since I realized that I like telling stories more than hearing them, I’ve wanted to run a D&D game. It just seemed like a good idea. Everyone else seemed to think so, too.

Yeah! Fuck YOU, dad!
Ha HA! Fuck YOU, dad!

I imagine that the paragraph immediately after a first-time DM discusses how they became a first-time DM should be reserved for sentiments like, “I REGRET EVERYTHING! HOLY SHIT! I HAD NO IDEA HOW MUCH WORK WENT INTO THIS!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-” and, indeed, it may be comically satisfying to write and read that paragraph. I’m not going to write that paragraph, though. Sure, DMing is a lot of work and all, but that’s not what this paragraph is for. This paragraph is where I tell you that I actually like all the shit that goes along with being a DM. I really enjoy the intense preparation involved, the attention to detail required and the sheer terror I feel as I flip through reams of notes, fruitlessly searching for the stats of that one carefully designed dwarven blacksmith I drew up the previous night, before sighing ‘fuck it’ and pulling an NPC encounter wholesale out of my ass. All of the things that might put others off the idea of DMing I really dig, so you’re not going to get the standard whinging retrospect from me, at least not in this paragraph.

This paragraph will remain mostly blank to give you a few quiet moments to reflect on my magnanimity and brilliance. 「                                                                                                                                                                                                            (_)_):::::::::D  penis                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    (.)(.)(.)     three boobs                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              」

And this paragraph is where I explain that I’m so hilariously new to this game, its nuances and the process of running it that I really have no business being as cocksure as I am pretending to be. That’s why I’m writing all this down. I’m nowhere near being good at this yet. However, at some time between that evening in the spring of 2016 over beers in a shitty tavern, and today, after having run only four sessions with three of my best friends, I kinda fell in love with D&D. I’m committed. I want to get good at it. I want to develop fantastic and hilarious and brutal stories with my buds, and I figure cataloguing this experience in a living history will keep me mindful of my growth. At the very least, it wouldn’t make me a worse DM, would it?

Thus, I present to you, the twos of people reading this, my journey through being a massive fucking nerd by way of Dungeons & Dragons.

ROLL FOR LITERACY… or some shit. I don’t know.

I’ll work on a catch phrase later.


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