So, I was staring at my junk for about an hour today, because, you know…Lord’s day, and I thought to myself, “Hmmmmm. I sure do wish there was a way to make my cock prettier.” It’s a common concern amongst us men. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a penis before, so lemme tell you…they’re not very pretty at all.
This got me all depressed, as I couldn’t think of one single way to make my wiener more seemly. So I decided to stop gazing at it and go watch YouTube videos of Jennifer Love Hewitt instead…which is kinda like staring at my junk.
Eureka! I found inspiration in Jennifer Love Hewitt’s vagina.
How is it that I’ve never thought of this? Not Jennifer Love Hewitt’s vagina, mind you. That would probably cause my unseemly wiener do something that made me very disappointed in it, thus making it even more unseemly. No no. Why have I never thought of Liberace’ng up my special crotch pal in sparkly fabulousness? How chic!
So, please let me introduce to you my new invention:
Make your wang extra schnazzy with the Wangschnazzler. Dudes, say good-bye to your unsightly penis and hello to a new and exciting penis in a sweater with some sparkly shit on it! No more angry looking veins to tame. No more embarrassing warts to lie about to your new girlfriend. Just slip on the Wangschnazzler and hear her scream, “Holy fucking shit…that’s adorable!”
…which is precisely the reaction a man is looking for when he presents his cock to the lady types.
Just hear what these satisfied customers have to say about the Wangschnazzler:
“I used to have a penis. Now I have a sparkly force of nature. Thanks Wangschnazzler!” -Peter, 28
“My wife has a vulva that looks like a chainsawed roast beef sandwich. Then she went out and Vajazzled, which made her vagina look the same only more noticeable. I wanted my cock to be more noticeable so I went out and Wangschnazzled. She really notices now when I plunge my studded pink warrior into her pooper, which is the only place I’ll put it because, seriously…I think her vagina has plague or something.” -John, 47
“Wangschnazzler did my taxes this year. I’m getting a $452 refund! Now I can afford those designer jeans.” -Angus, 32
The Wangschnazzler comes in two colors: pink and lavender.
The Wanschnazzler is totally not gay.
If you have any questions regarding the Wangschnazzler, please refer to our handy FAQ.
Q: Where can I find Wangschnazzler?
A: After you buy Wangschnazzler and swaddle it around your penis, you can find Wangschnazzler swaddled around your penis.
Q: I have an allergy to latex. Will Wangschnazzler give my junk leprosy?
A: Let us make something perfectly clear right now: Wangschnazzler is not a condom. It will not prevent STIs or pregnancy. However, to answer your question, Wangschnazzlers are lovingly knitted and adorned by our grandmother who, funny you should mention, is a leper. So…yeah. We suppose it’s possible that it’ll give you leprosy.
Q: I still have my foreskin because when I was born my parents didn’t mutilate my penis for absolutely no reason at all. Will Wangschnazzler work on me?
A: Well hello Mr. Fancy Cock! No. But we do invite you to hot glue some sequins to your weird looking penis, Turtledouche.
Q: My penis is enormous. Will I find a Wangschnazzler in my size?
A: Yes. Wangschnazzler was initially designed to the specifications of its creator, but it is still “one size fits all”…so long as your penis has roughly the dimensions of a tuna can.
Q: Isn’t Wangschnazzler, like, totally gay?
A: I hate you so much right now.
So gents, run out and Wangschnazzle immediately. While she hasn’t officially signed off on it yet, we’re pretty sure that the Wangschnazzler has Jennifer Love Hewitt’s seal of approval…
…and, apparently, her seal of approval is in the shape of a bumpy vulva.