Erin Go Braghkovich

Erin Go Braghkovich

Hey everybody. It’s St. Patrick’s Day! And you know what that means, right?

Yeah. Neither do I, really. So I went to wikipedia to read all about it. But then I discovered that learning things is hard and isn’t really a good use of my time at all. So instead of actually learning about St. Patrick’s day and what it’s all about, I decided to just use my intuition when it comes to the truth – like creationists and Jenny McCarthy.

So now I submit for your consideration these nifty St. Patrick’s day fun facts that I’ve compiled for you. You’re gonna want to take notes, because I am much smarter than wikipedia and, apparently, everyone else who knows things.

Did you know that St. Patrick was a bishop? That means that he was either very small or chess boards back then were much larger than they are today. It must have been difficult for him, having to go through life with only the capacity to move diagonally. If they had V8 in Ireland back in those days, things would have been much different for him, I’m sure.

St. Patrick, contrary to popular belief, is not actually Irish. When he was 16 years old he was abducted by Irish raiders and brought back to the Green Isle. If he had been abducted by the Los Angeles Raiders, instead of wearing green and pinching each other every March 17th, we’d be wearing silver and black, and playing football at sub-par standards. Ah…what could have been.

St. Patrick was from Wales. And whales, while not fish, do indeed drink like fish. This is why St. Patrick’s Day is usually marked by consuming copious amounts of alcohol. It has nothing to do with the common misconception that the Irish are dirty, dirty alcoholics. It’s actually the Welsh that are degenerate scum.

If you are American and have neither an Irish passport nor citizenship, like St. Patrick, you are not freaking Irish. Stop saying you are. It’s embarrassing. The same goes for people claiming to be Italian, Scottish, Moldovan, et al.

Just…just stop it.

The official color of St. Patrick was initially blue, not green. It was changed to green years after his death. He may have dropped dead if it was changed to green when he was still alive, though. St. Patrick was a clear winter tone. Summer greens would have totally washed out his complexion.


The shamrock is a symbol of St. Patrick because legend has it that he once used a shamrock to explain to the then pagan Irish the mystery of the Holy Trinity. What the legend doesn’t tell you is that he used a four leaf clover, because at the time the Holy Trinity consisted of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit and Steve, the guy who did St. Patrick’s taxes.

In the days of St. Patrick, people were named for their vocation. It was fortuitous for him that Ma and Pa Patrick chose the name of St. for their son. They were this close to naming him AssSpackle Patrick.


One myth regarding St. Patrick states that he was instrumental in driving the snakes out of Ireland. This is not true. Bono still lives there.

OOOOOOH! Yeah. That’s right. I went there.


No, seriously…St. Patrick had nothing to do with driving the snakes out of Ireland because there have never been any snakes in Ireland. We know this because exhaustive fossil studies have shown no evidence of snakes ever inhabiting the island. Exhaustive fossil studies and radio carbon dating were also used to determine the last time U2 put out a decent record.

HeyOHHHHHH! Two for two! I’m on freakin’ FIRE.

Heh heh. Bono sucks.

St. Patrick had two scrotums and enjoyed white zinfandel and long chats with friends that went on until sunrise, but he didn’t know how late it was until he looked out the window and said, “Oh my GOD! The sun’s coming up! I had no idea we were talking this long. It’s nice. It’s nice that we can just chat like this about any old thing and lose all track of time. I feel really comfortable with you. Ohmigod! You know what we should do? We should totally get breakfast at IHOP! I don’t feel tired at all? Do you feel tired? I’m not tired, but I probably shouldn’t drive. Are you alright to drive? SHOTGUN!”

There are many misconceptions and myths regarding the life of St. Patrick. As such, you really shouldn’t believe everything you hear. Remain skeptical and take some time out to use your own intuition about the facts of St. Patrick. You know…like climate-change deniers and Bill O’Reilly.

Bill O’Reilly. Now there’s an Irishman who knows how to intuit the facts.

“Bono goes in. Shitty music comes out. You can’t explain that.”

YeeeAAHHHHH! That’s three Bono. You just got served a cold plate of corned beef and potato pie.

Happy AssSpackle Patrick’s Day everybody!


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